A JOURNEY with JASON, by Kim Combes, Quakerdale Family Resources Manager
“WILL YOU ABANDON ME?” These words haunted me well into the holiday season following the initial meeting of my future foster son, a young man with no perceived security or stability in his 16-year-old life. In an ideal world, this question would never have passed his lips.

It was in July '95 that I was first made aware of Jason. Because of my experience as a human service worker and a foster parent, his juvenile court officer believed that my personality might best match with the problems this teen may manifest in my home, should I choose to foster this challenging client. He was currently placed in a residential facility, needing to work it’s program before he could graduate, be discharged and placed in my foster home. His juvenile court officer would keep me posted on his progress.

Jason wanted to meet me after hearing there was a foster parent potentially willing to have him in his home. A staffing was held on November 16. The juvenile court officer drove Jason’s mother (who he had not seen in over a year) and me to the facility. While making conversation during the 3½ hour one-way drive, I realized that I had met Jason’s extended family several years ago while employed with the Iowa Department of Human Services. His mother and I concluded it was a small world.

Upon seeing his mother, Jason hugged her and wanted her close to him as the assembly of social workers and treatment staff gathered to discuss his progress. He watched me intently, seemingly trying to get a grasp on who I was. Was I someone to be trusted? When the reporting was done regarding Jason’s behaviors he was given an opportunity to “interview” me. His longing look, coupled with his first words, tugged at my heartstrings. His inquiry underscored his first and foremost priority. Rather than delve for information regarding rules, home life, brothers and other related issues, his most predominate concern popped out with no apparent effort - “Will you abandon me?” His affect disguised the vulnerability underlying the words. What if I said YES (or couldn’t convince him I wouldn’t)? He wanted to trust, but history was not on his side. Why should he believe I would be different than others to whom he had given his susceptible heart?

I can’t remember my response to this pointed and poignant request for a “forever” relationship. The intensity of it took me aback. I had been in the human service arena for over 15 years. I thought I had seen and heard it all. However, in this context, I could not rid myself of the echoing memory of those four powerful words. It was as if I held his life in the balance.

Jason spent some time with me and the foster siblings in my home over Thanksgiving and New Year’s holidays during his pre-placement visits. He was anxious to graduate so he could then become a member of my household and family. This was not to happen until February 12th, however. It was then that his still-echoing words were going to be put to the test.

He initially hated the court-ordered day treatment program in which he was placed. This program provided him some structure so he could more easily transition into having the freedom most teens his age have. Because he had been in a locked facility for so long, he would need some bridge to insure a smoother changeover into the real world again. The frustration of having to spend 12 hours a day in another therapeutic environment, coupled with the influence of a negative foster brother, sparked the explosive combination of ingredients that was a recipe for trouble.

Within five weeks of placement in my home, he bolted from his court-ordered structure. He was found within two weeks and subsequently spent a month in a short-term group facility. Tearfully he asked me over the phone if he was able to return to my home. "Most assuredly so," I told him.

Six months and many power struggles later, he was once more placed in a short-term facility for “regroup time” due to some poor decision making on his part. A visit and several phone calls again gave him the confidence that I was still there and still FAMILY. He was placed back with me for round three.

Fall turned into winter. Jason began to trust that I was committed to his well-being…and to HIM. Progress was being made. Jason’s increasing maturity was reflected in his making better life choices and decisions. His desire to be reunited with his "Mom" grew stronger as they spent time together getting reacquainted. They had been separated for various reasons for much of his short life.

Winter gave way to spring--a season of rebirth. It would seem appropriate, then, that this season of positive growth and change would see Jason back with his mom full-time. It was an emotional moment when his worker remarked at a monthly team meeting that she saw no reason for him to stay in foster care. He and his mom were speechless as tears streamed down their cheeks. They had not anticipated this reunification until summer at the earliest. Jason was to see his hopes realized.

Prior to leaving my home, Jason gave me his good-bye letter. The following is an excerpt from this touching farewell:

“I do not know how to thank you so much. I came in here thinking that this was going to be another foster home that will abandon me and not help me much with anything. You have worked with my mom and I so much and helping us to get back together soon because you always told me that you would bring up to [the worker] to have me move in with her at the beginning of the summer and it happened sooner than we both thought. I think you did a very good thing for becoming a foster parent for many kids. God must have said to you at an early age to help out all these kids because they need a home to go to and a loving foster parent like yourself.”

As with many things in life, desire alone does not always make dreams come true. It eventually became apparent that familial love was not enough to make this long awaited living situation work. Jason once more entered into my home. He hadn’t lost the trust of our relationship after eight months of living elsewhere. We were thus able to continue to build on the pre-existing foundation we had both struggled hard to cement over the last 2 years.

The holidays once more came and went. Jason would be 18 in six months and was biting at the bit to be independent. Being on his own was priority for him. However, he wanted it to happen NOW. Thus, in tribute to Martin Luther King, Jr’s birthday, he ran “free at last”…for one night. He was found and placed in detention over the holiday weekend. Yes, in answer to his question, he could come back. But, he was told by his workers and me that should he decide to abscond again (and be caught) he would spend the remainder of his minor years in lock-up to keep him safe until he reached the age of majority.

This did not deter Jason’s obsession with freedom. His final break occurred on March 4th, almost four months before his 18th birthday. It wasn’t until mid-May that he found either the courage or desire to call me. However, he was initially deceptive regarding his whereabouts for fear of losing the freedom he had enjoyed the last two months (and wanted to keep until the end of June, when Juvenile Court would no longer have jurisdiction).

It was during this conversation that his assumption was validated--he was still my “son” and running away again had not broken that bond. I did give him a parental chewing, but past that he felt secure in his relationship with me. He reassured me that he didn’t run because of me, but because he wanted independence and a chance to be with extended family while he was still “a kid”.

It is now mid-July. Jason is almost a month into adulthood. He has come back from his uncle’s ranch in South Dakota and spent a night and a day with me. He calls me ‘Kim’ but refers to me as his Dad when speaking with others. What an honor that is!

It’s not been an easy road for either of us. Nothing of value really is. The father-son relationship was borne with tears and great frustration on both sides. But this young man now knows the answer to his long-ago asked question.

This is not unlike the Father-son relationship between God and His people. How many of us have asked the eternal question “God, will you abandon me?” I, too, have been the rebellious prodigal son. I have wanted my “freedom”, not wanting to follow biblical rules. I have run away from the Lord more times than I care to admit. My Father continues to love me, protect me, and delight in my “sonship” role with Him.

After 23 years of being in His adopted family, my trust and faith has increased “immeasurably more than all [I] ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20, NIV). Even through the dark nights of my soul, I have learned to “wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14, NIV) and to “be still, and know that [He is] God” (Psalm 46:10, NIV). It is my heart’s desire and my most fervent prayer that I may never again think, let alone ask, the profound question of God that was asked of me almost three years ago - “Lord, will you abandon me?” For, over and over again, He has proven that He won’t. "NEVER WILL I LEAVE YOU; NEVER WILL I FORSAKE YOU" (Hebrews 13:5, NIV). Thank you, Jesus, for this encouraging promise and for Jason and the lesson you have taught me through him.

Mr. M. “Kim” Combes
kcombes@quakerdale.org

Kim is currently a licensed therapeutic foster parent and Family Resource Manager for Quakerdale. He has been licensed to do foster care since May 1994. To date, he has had 30-plus young men through his doors.

He is also a state-wide and national presenter. He and his wife, Diane, live in Colorado with their two children.